Phillip Seahorn

MOVIE REVIEW:"STAR TREK 2009"

MOVIE REVIEW:"STAR TREK 2009"
review by Phil Seahorn
Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, John Cho, Ben Cross, Bruce Greenwood
Directed by: J.J. Abrams
Produced by: Bryan Burk, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman

OUT.FUCKING. STANDING.

FIRST, THE PREQUEL TO THIS REVIEW: WHY STAR TREK MEANS SO MUCH TO ME AND MY FAMILY

As a child of the sixties, there were not too many people of color on television.

My mother, who I owe my love of reading and science fiction, was actually the family
member who had my father and my sister, and me as well, in front of the ol'black and white tube television to watch "Star Trek".

My mother had a huge crush on William Shatner (that's a good lookin' white man"), but the real reason was this:my parents were activist in the sixties.They were involved in rent strikes and civil rights marches, and they were community organizers.To the point of having the FBI and other folks calling and threatening to harm me and my entire family.

Can you imagine being six years old and picking up the phone to hear GROWN FUCKING MEN calling you "niggers" and threatening to kill you?

A six year old child?

Bet you couldn't.

But this is the point I'm leading to:my mother KNEW that the messages in "Star Trek" about cooperation and social growth and betterment of mankind would have a far more LASTING affect on me than the COWARDLY MOTHERFUKERS who would call and THREATEN A CHILD.

My mother was FAR, FAR MORE INTELLIGENT and enlightened to let that shit affect her children, and she used "Star Trek" as a weapon against racism.

That kiss between Uhuru and Kirk helped, too:)

"Star Trek" helped to shape me into the person that I am today.

I AM SERIOUS ABOUT THIS STATEMENT.

That show fired up my desire for the space program,computers, self improvement, and the overall feeling that people can BE BETTER THAN THEY ARE.

Can you imagine a little kid of color getting packets of pictures and shit from the Goddard Space Flight Center in Houston?

Well, that was me at six years old.

Thanks to "Star Trek"(Uhuru also inspired my mother to become a nurse).

So, the "Star Trek" franchise has meant a great, great deal to me over the years.

AND NOW, THE REVIEW:

OUT. FUCKING.STANDING.

I started crying the first five minutes of this movie.I just completely fucking lost it.

All I could think about was wanting my mother to have had a chance to see this movie.

Kinda choking up now as I write this, but "Star Trek" was something that I thought, with this movie, they were REALLY GOING TO FUCK THE FRANCHISE UP.

I didn't want to go see this movie, especially with the promos that they showed.

Yeah, weird, but I hated this movie right from the start (having not seen it at all yet).

All I saw was "Kumar" playing Sulu (beam a fucking bong over to the enemy,Captain?),
the motherfucker from "Kill a Zombie" movie as Scotty, and the ultimate kick in the crotch:
FUCKING "SYLAR" AS SPOCK?

I MEAN, I SIMPLY WASN'T GOING TO GO SEE THIS PIECE OF SHIT, RIGHT?

Then, a couple of days ago, I`'m on Metro reading "The Riverfront Times" review of "Terminator:Salvation", and this guy behind me just starts a conversation, COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE,on how he thought that "Terminator" would suck, and how kick ass "Star Trek" was.

Now, growing up in a very spiritual family( you know, shit just DOESN'T HAPPEN FOR NO REASON)I took this as a sign (laugh all you want, but SHIT JUST DON'T HAPPEN FOR NO REASON), and took time this morning to go see this movie (as well as taking advantage of the $5 matinee:).

From the moment this movie came on screen, I instantly knew:this was not going to be a piece of shit.

And the movie just got better and better.

QUINTO IS SPOCK.
If this performance does not net this young man a Acadamy nod, I don't know what will.

Nailed it?

This motherfucker came correct with a nail gun, a hammer jack, hell, this motherfucker dropped a complete BUILDING on his portrayal of "Spock".

I think this young man knew what type of mantle he was taking on in his portrayal of "Spock".

And the scenes between him and Nimoy?

I was seeing ,basically, a person talking to himself, well, his younger self.

Actually, I really was seeing only one person.

SPOCK

Chris Pine IS Captain Kirk.

All the other actors ARE:
SCOTTY
CHEKOV
BONES

...and UHURU.

In the old show,there was always a hint of some special affection that Uhuru had for Spock, even in the movies.

I never read the novels, except for the ones that brought back Captain Kirk (c'mon, that's 40 years worth of shit you'd have to read!),but I'm glad that they had a chance to elaborate on it.

And for all the motherfuckers out there screaming "CANON"
they actually DID stick to some canonical points that I thought was brilliant in the screenplay!

ESPECIALLY SCOTTY'S REFERENCE TO TRANSPORTING ADMIRAL ARCHER'S ("ENTERPRISE")BEAGLE TO SOME UNGODLY PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE BY MISTAKE,AND STARFLEET PUNISHING HIM BY PUTTING HIM IN SOME BARREN FEDERATION OUTPOST.

CANON

The action?

Off the hook.

And, I think that the CGI in this movie is the VERY LATEST STATE OF THE ART CGI, and it is fucking INCREDIBLE ON SCREEN!

All this, AND TYLER PERRY??????!!!!!!!!!!

I was FUCKING FLOORED.

OSCAR NODS:

ZACHARY QUINTO as Spock.
SPECIAL EFFECTS: best CGI EVER
MUSICAL SCORE

And fuck those critics who gave this a "B+":

Give it up and stop hatin!

SEAHORN MOVIEMETER: they really should consider something higher than a "A+"

THIS REVIEW DEDICATED TO MY MOTHER MALINDA SEAHORN

posted by PHILLIP SEAHORN @ 3:20 PM

VIDEO PROJECTS produced by Phil Seahorn

posted by PHILLIP SEAHORN @ 10:15 AM

MOVIE REVIEW:X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

MOVIE REVIEW: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
art and review by Phil Seahorn
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Tim Pocock, Troye Sivan, Tahyna Tozzi
Directed by: Gavin Hood
Produced by: Richard Donner, Stan Lee, Lauren Shuler Donner

Well, another anticipated "Summer Blockbuster", and a comic book franchise that has successfully ended itself.

We see Logan in the last "X-Man" movie (X-MEN UNITED) CRYING.

I don't know where all the fucking fan boys were when this new piece of shit showed up, but obviously this new production company of Marvel's is just not listening to the fans OR reading the fucking source material.

And, the ULTIMATE kick in the nuts is that this fucking movie had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PREVIOUS X-MEN MOVIES!!!!

I'm not even going to research the back story to this piece of shit "X-Men Origins:Wolverine",but the finished product is so disjointed and bizarre that...

Okay, first off: WHO IS THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT KEEPS MAKING THE "MOVIE" LOGAN CRY AND DO SHIT, LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKER IS ON THE FUCKING "LIFE TIME" CHANNEL???

Wolverine crying in the last film ,Wolverine living in a cabin (ON THE SIDE OF A FUCKING MOUNTAIN, I AM NOT JOKING),Logan going to work everyday , kissing his fine ass( and she is ,I got to give it up for the actress who plays Wolverine's old lady),
before going off to work AS A MOTEHERFUCKING LUMBERJACK!!!

After laughing my ass off in the first and the beginning of the second acts,it veers into some weird ass thing with this dude that is supposed to be ( I think) The Blob from the comics, but I didn't know what the fuck this had to do with the rhythm of the movie , only that it was supposed to add comic relief.

WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE A FUNNY FUCKING "WOLVERINE" MOVIE?

Again, this was a piece of shit, and many critics are giving this film a "Gentleman's C" because the industry needs a boost , and because the fucking critics (me, included) would be out of jobs if we pan the industry too much.

Which leads me into some parts of this movie that could have made it a "A" movie.

The opening montage of the fighting history of the Creed brothers was excellent.

The movie was shot well, especially the scenes of the Canadian Rockies.But if I wanted "National Geographic", I would have rented one of their fucking videos.

Alright, anyway,the CGI was great,Ryan Reynolds was good (but stay the fuck out of any future movies dealing with comics, thanks),and even Liev Schreiber as Sabretooth sincerely tried to bring a good calibre of acting to the role, but it didn't save the movie .

I tried to sit thru the movie a second time, but walked out at the beginning of the third act.

TO BE FAIR:

Okay, I know this movie was SEVERELY constricted by budget, as it is very, very expensive to make a special effect laden movie, especially a movie dealing with over twenty five characters with special powers that would require special effects.

I calculated in the past that to make a really good movie based on a world full of people with special powers would be in the multiple hundred of millions of dollars, and that would be for the special effects ALONE.

It showed in the cheesy ass "special effects" of the powers for the group of mutants in this "Wolverine" movie.More like effects in television's "Heroes", but even the shit on television's "Heroes" was better than this.

You ain't gonna see a future "Wolverine" movie.And, what fucking marketing genius would put a movie out a week before fucking "Star Trek"?

One guy in the loo at the theatre I went to see this movie put it right on the mark:

"They are really milking this shit".

But who the fuck wants to be the cow?

THE SEAHORN MOVIEMETER:"D"

posted by PHILLIP SEAHORN @ 5:53 PM